Another Open Letter to the Dear People of My Fair City,
Please park your car and use public transportation if, for any reason, you possess a degree of awareness that is no longer adequate to assure the safe operation of a motor vehicle. Please get off of the damned phone and drive your car. Please take driver's ed.
I send this letter to you as a fellow citizen who shares the road with each of you and I must tell you that in your own way, each of you makes me afraid–Very, very afraid. You see fellow drivers, I live a total of 5.5 miles from my place of work. In the course of this minuscule (by California standards anyway) commute home this afternoon, this is what I have watched you do:
Mr. Bentley driver, Sir, as I came to the four way stop and waited and waited and waited for you to make up your (distressingly slow) mind you were approached from behind by the driver in the white Nissan Pathfinder. White Nissan Pathfinder driver was actually pretty darned patient before he decided that you were going to grow roots right where you were standing and therefore moved forward in the ample space on your right in order for him to make a right turn. As I hope you recall, just as he pulled up next to you, you decided to, then turn right–Almost smashing your very expensive car into his much less pricey mass produced vehicle. You know Mr. Bentley driver, I was feeling quite charitable and willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "My … Mr. White Nissan driver was a bit impatient." You, however, lost the moral high ground with me by then racing ahead to the light at the next intersection and yelling and glaring at Mr. White Nissan driver. As I sat in the position behind you listening to your verbal tirade my main thought was, "Wow! Does he kiss his precious grand babies with that 'ole potty mouth of his?" To make matters worse, after your whole tirade was finished, the light turned green and Mr. White Pathfinder drove off into the sunset while you once again proceeded to grow roots where you were standing, thereby blocking my journey home. I know that you were puzzled by the fact that I was leaning on my horn and yelling, "Pay attention and learn how to drive your f%#^#@g car!!!" as I was driving by. I know this because the look on your face was completely blank as our eyes met (Although, I do realize that your face perhaps later registered my message after it was processed by your distressingly slow mind … By then, however, I was a block and a half down the street and I, by the way, don't speed). I don't know how old you are and I don't want to be ageist, but please allow me to reiterate … If, for any reason, you possess a degree of awareness that is no longer adequate to assure the safe operation of a motor vehicle, please park the car; buy a bus pass; and stop protesting the MTA's plans to expand light rail in our fair city.
Dear Ms. Lexus driver, please get the hell off of your f%#^#@g iPhone and drive your f%#^#@g car!!! I believe that you may not understand the concept behind the dotted lines painted on the road. These lines, you see, divide the the wide space into TWO lanes. FYI, sweetie, the dashed line down the middle of the road is NOT a guide for you to aim directly over. The way that this works is that you pick one lane OR the other lane. I normally have to ride a yellow school bus to get to my car to go home and today was one of the rare chances I had to drive straight home from my place of work and you were blocking my f%#^#@g way. Please get out of others' ways … And did I mention that you should get the hell off of the phone and pay attention to driving your car? Yeah, thank you!
Dear Ms. Lexus Driver Number Two, I know that parking spaces are hard to come by in that oh so chichi shopping district, so I can understand when drivers sometimes feel compelled to make a U-turn in front of on -coming traffic to be able to nab a metered parallel parking stall. I take issue, however, with the fact that the maneuver took you what must have been twenty-five forward and back segments to complete. In driver's ed. class, my teacher called this, "EXCESSIVE MANEUVERING." FYI, sweetie pie Lexus Driver Number Two, driving a car is NOT like doing the hot and nasty so a lot of back and forth is NOT a good thing. While you were excessively maneuvering yourself, you were delaying my journey back home and that is not a very nice thing to do so please consider one of the following possible and doable solutions: 1) Take some driver's ed. classes. 2) Stop being so damned cheap and pay the freaking valet to park your car … It's really nice, when you're done they bring your car back to you and aim it down the street in the right direction for you and everything!!! 3) Keep a pair of Keds in the back seat so you can put your strappy heels in your tote bag, wear comfy shoes and walk a distance to the chichi shopping district then put the strappy heels on and make your legs look nice for the rich men mingling about. 4) Invest in one of those Lexus cars that will park itself. See video below.
As always, people, I share with you not to be mean, but only to make our world a better and safer place … For the children. That's what I'm all about, you know … Making the world a better place for the children, one correction of bad behavior, bad fashion, or bad driving at a time.