i live a dog’s life …

Alas … I live a dog's life.  Basically, I eat like a dog. 

You see, as a young lad, I learned to LOVE to eat!  I finished my first whole Big Mac when I was about 7 and from that point forth, healthy eating habits went on hiatus in my life for a great number of years.  By the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school, I had to suffer the humiliation of shopping for my pants in the "Husky" section at Sears.  As an elementary school kid I was a bit slow, but hell, it's not like it took a rocket scientist to figure out that if you bought your pants in the "Husky" section at Sears you were not likely to be a candidate for the lead role as the hunk in the next teen comedy that was going to be released.  You might be considered for the part of the lead character's chubby friend, but, alas … the lead role would be going to someone shopping in the NOT "Husky" section. 

I came to love food so much that I "lived large" through all of high school and part of college.  In college I decided that I was tired of "living large" and decided to see just how skinny I could be.  One summer, I decided to work out like a maniac

(this was the era of Jane Fonda telling us to "make it burn" and telling us "no pain, no gain" … but BEFORE she revealed her eating disorder … WTF??? You made us all crazy trying to look all sexy in our gym togs, only to find out that YOU were a bit wacko between the ears!!!  I ask again, WTF???  In all fairness, I can see how it would have been a challenge to think clearly with your pastel colored thong wedging up the butt as I absolutely cannot think clearly when my undies inadvertenly begin to floss, but … it would have been kind of you to apprise us of the fact that your fine figure was a result of the world famous Ralph/Ex Lax diet … but, hey, I'm not bitter … ) and eat nothing but lettuce.  I lost a TON of weight and I went from 225lbs to 155lbs in a few months.  At 6' 2", 155lbs is NOT a healthy weight and I kept getting sick so I I decided that food other than lettuce might be a good idea!  Thank god!!!  I have settled comfortably on about 175lbs as a weight that I wear pretty well.

What does this have to do with eating like a dog?

Well, Significant Other's sister has a dog that loves to eat (I suppose that all dogs do, but …).  Sister-in-sort-of-law's family went on a weekend trip and while they were gone, their dog happened to get into the basement and break into a 20lb bag of dog food.  By the time they got back from their trip, doggie had eaten no less than 20lbs of food and her stomach was so distended that she was unable to stand or walk.  When they discovered her in the basement, however, she was lying on her side sticking out her tongue and trying to get to the very last piece of Kibble on the cement into her mouth!!!  Brother-in-sort-of-law literally had to carry her out in the the yard and lay her down so she could barf and poop out 20lbs of dog food!!!  

Well that's me and food in a nutshell.  I've learned to control my weight by keeping most junque food out of the house and exercising very regularly.  On weekends I pretty much eat what I want, but I try to eat decently clean food at home during the week.  When I go on trips, however, I revert to being a dog.  I just have no self discipline whatsoever! 

This weekend, S/O and I went on a road trip and I absolutely dogged out!!!  While road tripping, where else is there to eat but fast food???  Did you know that Mickey D's has recently added 1/3lb burgers to their healthful fair?  Dude!  Supersize me!!!  Doggie heaven!!!

We went to a pizza joint and ordered a medium sized pizza.  Unfortunately, the wrong pizza was delivered to our table so the waitress told us to go ahead and enjoy both!  Freakin' doggie heaven!!!

There was a KFC next to the motel where we stayed.  Hellooooo Boneless Barbecue Chicken Wings … and you save so much if you order it as a meal!  You get the bottomless drink and wedgie fries for just a few cents more!!!  Doggie heaven … I'm the alpha dog!

It was kind of like that the entire weekend.  Not a vegetable in sight (sorry the sad bit of shredded lettuce on the 1/3lb burger really doesn't count) and I came home and got on the scale.  

Alas, now I'm in doggie hell …

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

One thought on “i live a dog’s life …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s