open letters: the first in a series …

Last week was a great week.  I went for an entire week without "going off" on one of the many young minds that spend copious amounts of time in the big building with lots of books where I work.  Alas, this week didn't get off to nearly as fine a start and things just continued to head further into the crapper as the day went on!  I am, however, a giver.  I believe in doing more than just complaining about the world.  I believe that one should leave the world better than one finds it so with that in mind, I have composed a series of letters for those who have needed my help today.  I hope that each of these people miraculously finds this blog, reads it, recognizes the perpetrators as themselves, and fixes their behavior.  After all, taking my recomendations to heart WILL make the world a better place and that IS our goal!  Here goes …

Dear teenaged young men,

When you come into the building and stand around talking to you friends like you do every freaking day and I very calmly ask that you, "Please sit down at a table and get something out to work on or grab a table outside to socialize." as I do every freaking day, it is a very bad idea to look me in the eye, shrug, and go back to your conversation at exactly the same volume that you were using before I spoke with you. In the event that you repeat your behavior, I want you to understand that I will repeat my behavior, namely hollering, "Hey, I'm talking to you.  Don't ignore me when I talk to you.  Get out, NOW!"  I know … how embarrassing (for you, since have long ago learned to dispense with my sense of shame in these matters).  It is also quite bad form on your part to come back into the building–TWICE!  Don't do this kind of thing.  See, deep down I really care about you and I don't want to see you burn in hell and this is exactly the kind of thing that a just god doesn't like so, I want you to learn from this episode.


Mr. Ambookgeek

Dear middle aged man without a towel at my gym,

In the future, please bring a towel in order to wipe your disgusting pigman sweat off of the cardio machine when you are done.  Taking your already sweat soaked Underarmour compression shirt and wiping down the sweat that you have poured all over the machine just does not cut the mustard.  This is wrong on a number of levels.  First, gym rules say that a towel is required.  I know that our gym management is really incompetent, lazy, and stupid (and never enforces their rules other than to make announcements on the PA that everyone ignores) but just because you can circumvent the rules doesn't mean that it is right to do so!  While we are on the subject, sort of, can I also suggest that you stop wearing Underarmour shirts and Abercrombie sweats.  First, dude, you DO NOT have the body to pull that shirt off.  Second, Abercrombie sweats on a gentleman of your vintage is, well, just kind of sad.  We all want to look as sexy as we can when we are at the gym, but can I just say, "The look isn't doing you any favors."  Remember, I say this to you only because I care.  Target has some very nice looking (baggy, but not gangsta baggy) workout wear for very little money.  I'm sure you could get many different workout togs for the cost of a single pair of those Abercrombie sweats.  We'll discuss the whole earring concept at another time … one can only tackle so much personal improvement at one time and this is probably enough for today.




Dear naked man in the locker room at the gym,

You have done nothing to offend me, but I care about all my fellow human beings so I'd recommend that you sit on a towel when you are in the lockerroom.  The management team isn't exactly thorough about anything so I'm guessing that those benches haven't been sanitized in quite some time (perhaps since the gym openned).  With the incidence of drug resistant staph infections going through the roof, you probably should sit on a towel or something to avoid having flesh eating bacteria consume the fat in your butt or any part of your peepee. 




Dear poorly trained trainer guy,

Can you please learn to use at least two other pieces of equipment to train your clients on?  You work with them on one of the two double-cable machines for 55 minutes at a time and the rest of us don't have a chance to use the equipment.  Seeing as the other double-cable machine is broken for more than 50% of the time, it would be greatly appreciated if you could get out of our way once in a while.




I don't know about you, but helping others in this way DOES make me feel better!  Helping the world to become a better place is its own reward!

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11 thoughts on “open letters: the first in a series …

  1. This is the most hilarious post EVER! Laugh out loud funny! LOL!Eww..people are so gross…nekked people especially…who don't use towels! WTF?I have to read this was just too much in one sitting 🙂 HA HA HA!!!

  2. LMAO!!!!! I'm favoriting this one because you've touched on SO many important areas that I think the world needs to know about! I'm "gut-laughing" now! I'm not sure if the pigman sweat, the flesh eating bacteria eating the fat in his butt or pee pee or the trainer guy using the double cables all of the time even when the other cable machine is broken (and you know I've SO been there) is my personal favorite! Hell, I like them all! I'm glad to hear that you're so concerned for the punk kid's sould too! lol
    Hey, my kids bought me a pair of Abercrombie sweats for Christmas and they're my very most favorite things to wear because they're so comfortable (it feels like I can let ALL my fat hang out!). I don't wear them with a "wife-beater tank top and usually always wear them with an oversized tee shirt or sweat shirt. Do you think it's still ok for them to be my very most favorite pair of sweats? I sure hope so! Gosh!

  3. Ooo, hear hear. As one of very few girls who takes weightlifting seriously, I do make sure there's no disgusting pigman sweat on the machine I'm about to use. Gag. ;P

  4. Awesome post! I know that sweaty guys girlfriend, she is at my gym. She is all saggy and baggy too, she hits on my man, and I have a vision burnt in my brain of her in the locker room that I wish could be erased. *shivers*

  5. Sweaty guy can't hold a candle to this cell phone junkie at my gym. She juggles about three calls at one time. But what is worse is that she has one of those ear pluggy things so she doesn't have to hold the phone. She must have the volume turned up real loud because I can hear the entire conversation even over the sound of my feet slapping the treadmill and the several stationary bikes inbetween us. She is so boring, too.

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